January 2010
16 posts
ugh.. liberation?
bitchassness… yup, that’s what i’m going to call it.
I should just forget about this, and move on, obviously, he can’t get over this and talk to me… and i’m tired of trying.
still hate waiting...
i still haven’t talked to him… and i hate it. I just want to know what’s going to happen now. That’s what i want to know, and this constant waiting, is fucking frustrating, and is causing SO much anxiety for me that its starting to fuck up my concentration…
keep swimming
alright, so… i hate this voluntary silence thing, if tweeks my melons. i need to talk to him, and figure shit out. I wanted to wait until thursday to try and call his possible inactive phone, but i might call tonight, cause this is too much for me to deal with, alone. I want to know what he thinks, and whether or not this is worth continuing together. If i only knew what he thought, and...
j'ai oubliee...(well almost)
I almost forgot how wonderful cigars were… sigh, I feel so calm right now… even after running into him, and almost completely ignoring him, had an awkward hug, and then experieced the thickest awkwardness…
Nicotine, i’ve missed you so much… i really have, and newly acquired lighter, we have to spend more time together…
...where's my lighter
stress is piling up again… looks like my fight against nicotine is about to lose… (again… lol)
hulk smash!
Me: yo homes
him:hola
m: so… what’s going on
h: bout to go chill with k for a lil while
m: nifty. so, i just want to know if u read my message, cause i’m kinda shitting bricks over here
h: whats going on with you?i did indeed read it, still marinating on it. and the internet sucks
m: okay, i just wanted to know what u thought… but since ur still marinating i can...
ahem... again...
i’m still waiting for a reply from this dude… everything is pounding more than normal.. the eerie calm before the knowing if the storm is returning or the ready to clean up the aftermath… i just want to know what’s going to happen…
fucking hate waiting!!!! AARRGggH!!
sigh... the waiting game
so, i sent him a letter… well the last post… and now i’m waiting for a response… I can’t call him or talk to him, until i get a response from him… and its a little nerve wrecking…
trying to breathe… and not worry and blahblahblah…
what to say now...
i love you… i do. honestly i’ve never felt this way about anyone, so im afraid of opening up too much to you… cause i doubt that we’re going to last much longer… so why would i expose the inner workings of my fuck’d up mind/heart/emotions when we both know that we’re not going to last… like seriously last… so i’ve grappling with this in...
shit
this weekend, i told him i felt neglected… therefore he did not say anything to me saturday… sunday he invited me over to his house… of course i went, we chilled, watched tv… and he fell asleep…
whilst he was asleep, shit didn’t feel right, so i had to leave… I woke him up, and said i had to leave… he asked, what did he wrong, i said nothing…...
its back...
like an creepy kudzo… this feeling of wanting to leave, has returned… but this time i feel like its legitimate… i’ve seen this dude once… ONCE since we’ve been back in the same area code… i mean, we’ve been talking about meeting up and hanging and shit for a fucking month when we were on break… and now this… emptiness. i feel so...
sigh
im ignoring my phone… or at least im trying to…
intoxication...
weed or alcohol… i enjoy both, i have no need to lie about it…
weed; with the right people and proper environment… creates the best environment… when i’m stressed out with heavy shit, i would rather smoke than drink… with weed, i don’t feel so bad to do this by myself, i don’t feel like some kind of depressed creepster, but calmer and have the...
the wrong person
i told mother about the wrong person… it wasn’t bad, but it was just the bare outlines of who he is… i didn’t tell her how deeply my interest in him has grown, over litte contact. he is the loc’d gahd of my dreams… currently…
i guess, i shouldn’t have kissed him… haha
winter break...
so many things are bouncing around inside the head… realizing that i can’t fully discuss every aspect of myself… or 60% of myself with anyone around me… friends, family, the booski… its like, im a sphere… and the ppl around me are strategically placed around the spherical me and they can only see one specific area of me… no one is omniscient and can see...